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  • Sarah Bergakker MSN, CRNA

OH THIS WAS OVER A LONG TIME AGO

“It's easy to see the beginnings of things,

and harder to see the ends.”

- Joan Didion -


Beginnings are often obvious--a bright yellow horizontal line across the pavement advising us, “START.” In contrast, endings often occur long before that red abrupt, “FINISH LINE,” suddenly appears under our feet.


By the time I acknowledge that a relationship, a job, or a season of life has ended, the reality is that the actual ending has long passed and my heart is just catching up and getting clear on the facts of it all.


I like tidy things: folded laundry, a clean kitchen, an operating room where I can find everything I need to give anesthesia located exactly where it is supposed to be.


Endings are not tidy. Life is not tidy. Living wholeheartedly is not tidy AT ALL. The middle and the end of things blur into each other without clear definition.


I recently changed from working W2 to 1099 as a nurse anesthetist. The clarity to change to 1099 work, came before the awareness that it was time to leave my W2 job. (Having the openness to move toward good things in our lives can create the resulting courage to leave other things behind.) Once I made the decision to leave, I realized that my season in my W2 job was already well past over and my heart was just catching up.


Darlings, my prayer for you is that as you see the bright yellow “START” that 2022 is heralding, you look back with grace and reflection on the things that have already ended for you but you haven’t had the clarity to see or let go of. May you start 2022 lighter and more accepting of the truth of who you are, and how things actually are. And may you live a wholehearted untidy life.


If you want to lean into this a bit more, journal on what thing in your life you would embrace if you could let go of the fear surrounding stepping into it. What thing would this same freedom also allow you to finally release and set yourself free from?