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Updated: Nov 28, 2021

Why did I do this?

Why am still doing this?

Dr. Stephens teaches us on Mooxli retreats that a big part of our individual resilience is, “Knowing our why.”

A recent shift I’ve made in my own life has me not only checking in with my “Why,” but checking if it is still true.

This Thursday is my last day with my current W2 employer. I am going to start working “1099,” also known as doing contract work.

When I was working through the fears I had to process as part of this decision, I realized that many of my “Whys,” for staying W2 as long as I did weren’t necessarily true anymore. I will tick through some of them below:

  • W2 employment offers more job security/guarantees

    • Does it though? Especially for CRNAs I know that on any given Monday the hospital or administrators could inform me that I no longer work for who I did last Friday, that I no longer have a job at all, that I now have a new employer that has been chosen for me, or that the job I have been doing is going to drastically change with no change in pay.

  • I need the benefits.

    • What are the benefits and what will it actually cost to match them on my own? When I sat down and did the math I found that I can pay to replace my current employer provided benefits, pay the additional taxes of 1099 work, work less hours, and STILL be money ahead of what I am making now.

  • The disability policy is good.

    • Is it? Many healthcare professionals do not realize that their disability policy only covers them from being unable to work in their current profession for 24 months and if they can work handing out movie tickets etc. after 24 months they receive no benefit. (Disability insurance is a whole nother conversation and just hit reply to this email if you have some deep dive questions on it.) As part of going 1099 I have increased my privately held long term disability policy and this policy actually covers me to retirement age if I cannot work as a CRNA

Four years ago when I took the job I am currently leaving, this job was an absolute fit for my priorities and values at that time. Since that time, I have changed and the job has changed dramatically. Reevaluating why I am doing what I am doing is vulnerable and feels so scary but is the wholehearted way I have committed to moving through this life.

I am not promoting any one type of employment arrangement over another. I am challenging you to do what I have been doing: Ask yourself why are you doing what you are doing, and are the “Whys” of it as true as you think they are?

Here is a journal prompt if you want to practice mindfulness around this: What is something that you have a sense of wanting to shift or revisit with curiosity in your life? Why have you done this thing in the past? Are those “Whys,” still true? Are those whys still consistent with your values today? What would happen if you got curious about this thing and gave up your attachment to it?


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